The Absolute WORST Thing About Every Sex Position

The Absolute WORST Thing About Every Sex Position
Tenor

There are so many listicles out there about the benefits of each sex position: which is best for clitoral stimulation, how to properly get an anal orgasm, etc. Well screw that! Because guess what y'all? Sex isn't all fun and games. Anybody's whose had sex more than once knows that sometimes, the sex sucks (and not in the oral sucking way). Just plain old sucks. 

So what have we done here? We've taken a good hard look at each sex position and determined the WORST thing about it. Get ready to laugh. But more importantly, get ready to go, "I HAVE SO BEEN THERE BYOTCH!"


Missionary Position

This is the basic girl of sex positions. You may as well use a Pumpkin Spice Latte-flavored condom and wear UGGs while you fuck. This isn't a physically bad position. It's just so OVERDONE.

Also, he could drool on you. Don't ask me how I know. But he really could.

Doggy Style (handcuffs optional)

He may "accidentally" slip it in the wrong hole. And getting his whole dick in your backdoor with one thrust is NEVER PLEASURABLE. Only painful. 

Cowgirl

This is bullshit. You're literally letting him inside you. You're stretching your vaginal lips to welcome in his member. And now he wants you to do all the work. I call BULLSHIT. Women do enough fuckin' work. Get on top and thrust buddy. THRUST!

Reverse Cowgirl

For one, he could totally slip it in the butt. Again, he'd say it was an "accident." But trust me, that's a lie. Plus, what happens if you fart in this position? Don't be that bitch who's like, "Me? Fart? NEVER!" It happens to all of us. Why risk him getting pink eye with an ill-timed fart?!

69

The idea of both giving and getting pleasure seems promising. But what if someone's pubes are so overgrown than you end up flossing with them? Ain't nobody got time for that!

Also, some people, when climaxing, involuntarily clench their teeth. It's a perfectly normal response; however, you don't want to bite his dick off or him to bite your clit off. Am I right or am I right?!

Piledriver

I'm sorry, but this isn't a fucking yoga class. No my neck doesn't bend that way. No my legs aren't meant to come that close to my face. No my little body can't support all your weight you idiot! Need I go on about how stupid this position is?

Special Bridge (or whatever this is called)

Where do I start with this one? Let me just say he better have great medical insurance that covers the cost of a chiropractor. Lord knows my back is gonna be all kinds of messed up after this one.

Lotus

Leg cramps suck. Guess how you get leg cramps? Fucking in this freakin' awful position. Who the hell wants to sit criss-cross applesauce with a dick inside them? Nobody.

Spooning

He can slip it in the butt. Notice a trend here? Why are guys always trying to put it in the booty! They should consider themselves lucky we're even letting them in our vaginas. Sheesh!

Anal (any position)

So he finally gets to put it in the butt. You're expecting it. That's nice. What could be bad about that?

Two words: POOP. DICK.